There is a sickness alive in the Human Race that is more destructive than any war. You don't hear about it much, but at least half the population is afflicted by it in one way or another. It is such a part of our culture that it often goes unnoticed, even when it's right before our eyes. When we are finally forced to face it in some kind of personal way, we often choose to view it as an isolated incident, an unfortunate circumstance, and let it pass unchallenged. This sickness is domestic violence.

Many of us have negative preconceptions about abused or battered women. We think they must be weak or stupid to have gotten themselves into such a situation and wonder why they don't just leave. We don't really realize the extreme danger these women and their children are in or the limited possibilities available to a frightened single woman with children.

The truth of the matter is it takes strength and courage just to live in an abusive situation, which amounts to daily stress and uncertainty fraught with fear. But, it takes a great deal more courage to actually leave because once you go (or you reject him) the abusive partner is more angry and unstable than ever. Statistically, abused women are most likely to be killed by their partner as a result of leaving.

Many people think this is an isolated problem, effecting primarily poor or immigrant families, but it's not true. There are men (and women, too) from all walks of life who learned abusive habits from their own parents and role models. Their abusive behavior serves to role model for the next generation and the cycle continues without the perpetrators ever understanding how hurtful and damaging their behavior really is or, if they eventually do understand, it's too late, the damage is already done.

And it's not just a matter of physical violence. There are women and children suffering every day as a result of emotional abuse. Overly dominating partners use a variety of tactics including isolation, economic abuse, intimidation, and threats regarding the children to secure total control over their abused spouses. These situations grow gradually, and often unnoticeably, over time. By the time the abused spouse realizes there's a real problem, there are already a great many control mechanisms in place designed to help them feel as though there is no way out.

Most don't leave. The amount of courage it takes to stand up to one's abuser is often too much for someone who's been knocked down again and again for years. They think it will be impossible for them to raise their children alone and grimly determine to do a better job at keeping their abuser calm. Unfortunately, the cycle of violence continues, and usually gets worse, resulting quite frequently in death.

Is this not worse than terrorism? We, as a nation, allow thousands of women to die every year, through either our own hand or through our inaction. It's like an epidemic through which we allow children to live in highly traumatic, abusive households and even to go motherless, only to have them grow and visit the same kind of misery on their own children. Where is the hue and cry over the women who are killed every year? If the statistic remains the same (sadly the number has more likely risen) then more than 150,000 American women have been killed since the Viet Nam War! Where are the marches and protests?! Half of all Americans are living with this dirty family secret and yet we, as a group, allow this kind of behavior to continue and grow.

What can we do?

We must break the silence.
With such large numbers struggling with the same issue, why isn't it talked about more? Granted, domestic violence is the most under-reported offense simply because of the fear and danger involved on the part of the victim, but many do escape and their stories need to be told and heard. Certainly more can be done to build awareness which must come before progress.

If you're being abused, get help now.
While there is always more we can do to support abused women and their children, there are resources available to you right now. The YWCA, local support groups, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE are great places to start. Depending on where you live, you may be able to get low income housing, safehouse and escape help, job training, health care and more. It's not going to be a cake walk, but it will be a lot easier than you think without an abuser breathing down your neck. If there is any threat of violence involved (even him acting like he'll hit you to scare you is actually considered menacing or assault depending on where you are), the police and victim's advocate programs can be a huge help.

We must bring the seriousness of domestic violence to the public attention.
If this issue was more widely addressed, those currently dealing with domestic violence might feel a stronger measure of support from the community and find the courage to get away. Did you know it is actually considered child abuse to allow children to live in a violent or abusive environment. If more people knew this, more abused mothers might be able to find the courage to leave if only for the sake of their children. Television could be such a powerful tool to expose the realities of abuse.

We must educate every child, and every adult who will listen;
show them the difference between healthy and abusive relationships.
There are many women out there who hardly even realize they are being abused. Afterall, their parents fought and acted like this, doesn't everybody? There are also many women who would never tolerate their partner hitting them, but will sit meekly waiting for the screaming tirade of esteem assassinating words issuing from their partner to end on a regular basis. Recent surveys show that most Americans are unaware what constitues abusive behavior. Movies and television are no help; there are very few healthy relationship role models. The only way to expose it and do something about it's damaging long range effects is through far reaching educational programs. Include it in high school hygiene classes!

We must fund and improve victim services to enable women to leave an abusive situation with their children in safety.
Americans like to think of themselves as a moral bunch, whatever their individual morality may be. Who, in good conscience, can honestly say that it's too much of a strain to have funds set aside to provide for some of our most vulnerable citizens and our shining hopes for the future? It's high time people put away personal prejudices and help those who really need it. Go back and look at those numbers above. If there is another person in the room with you, the odds are very good that one of you is currently dealing with some form of domestic violence.

Violence against women is one of the most ugly and destructive social problems that finally needs to be solved once and for all. What good are gadgets and fortunes when thousands are suffering? We have bigger and better bombs, and bigger and better plans on how to use them; why don't we have a thriving national effort to protect women from being brutally killed every day in our own backyard?

Oh yeah, October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month, did you know?